Monday, April 22, 2013

#HappyBirthdayBertie - Bertie's Top Ten Trumps!


We wanted to do something creative to celebrate Dirty Bertie's 10th birthday (or should that be "Bert-day"). In honour of the latest Dirty Bertie picture book "Pooh, is that you Bertie?" by David Roberts, we've compiled a list of "Bertie's Top 10 Trumps" - or ways to effectively focus your flatulence.

Here are 10 foods that are guaranteed to have you flumping and trumping long, loud and proud!

1) Baked Beans. 



They're tasty on toast but watch out for the after effects. Tangy tomato sauce can't mask the apocalyptic trumping that these beauties induce. Variously described as 'skinheads on a raft' by children of a certain generation, they're guaranteed to ensure a good trouser rumble.

Pong Rating - 3 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 4 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5

2) Haggis.

It'll put the wind up your kilt, Haggis may sound like it has a pretty yucky set of ingredients but it tastes fantastic (particularly with ketchup or with lollies found on the floor as a side dish).
The vegetarian version (yes, there is one!) is even more lethal due to the presence of lentils. More on those later!



Pong Rating - 5 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 2 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 2 out of 5

3) Jerusalem Artichokes. 

These should appeal to any budding Dirty Bertie wannabes, as they look like they've just been dug out of the garden. In fact, they have - they're a root vegetable with a super-secret superpower - the ability to blow a hole in your underpants. They don't really taste of much (they're a bit like a mashed turnip), and you probably won't feel the effects for a wee while but once these babies get to work, you'll need to open all the windows and plug your ears. They're titanic trumpers!



Pong Rating - 4 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 4 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5

4) Meringues.

Sweet and tempting but don't be fooled by these airy little desserts, they pack a pumping-trumping punch! The presence of whipped egg whites, a lot of air and the temptation to eat more than one does mean they're deceptively inoffensive to look at but will deliver a death blow to your nostrils. Pe-eewww sir!






Pong Rating - 5 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 3 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5

5) Spicy Beanburgers

When is a burger not a burger? When it's beany! Sneak in some fibre into your child's diet with something that looks like junk food but is utterly (and quite disgustingly) healthy. But be ready with a peg on your nose, spicy beanburgers produce clouds of green and offensive gas that you'll find very difficult to blame on the cat (Because no cat alive would touch one of these with a barge pole)




Pong Rating - 5 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 2 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 3 out of 5

6) Jacket Potatoes

Fine on their own, lovely with butter but don't be fooled by this relatively healthy and easily prepared teatime treat, trumps-a-plenty will ensue as the evening progresses after a hearty meal of these.

Fillings can also add to the ferocity of the flumps. Try Bertie's own recommendation of combining Tuna, Jelly Beans and Cheese and Onion Crisps lightly crumbled on top for added effect.






Pong Rating - 4 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 3 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5 (but only with the aforementioned toppings - or perhaps marmalade!)

7) Dog Biscuits

These should only be consumed when Mum and Dad aren't looking. Full of goodness, full of fibre, full of marrowbone jelly to ensure your hair is glossy and well kept.

The green ones taste like green opal fruits. True fact!







Pong Rating - 2 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 2 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5


8) Grandma's Sherry Trifle

Another slightly naughty one depending on how naughty Grandma is with the sherry, but more than one bowlful of this potent dessert is definitely not recommended!

Flumps ensue due to the high sponge content and whipped topping (which may or may not be cream). Definitely do not attempt to ride your tricycle after eating this either.



Pong Rating - 2 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 3 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 2 out of 5


9) Prunes

Not sure these should be included on the list because if Bertie is anything like any child ever born, they would never consider these to be a foodstuff. An interesting thing to fire from a catapult perhaps, or something to sneak into your sister's bed to make her think she's been visited by a gigantic pooping rabbit, but definitely not food.







Pong Rating - 2 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 2 out of 5
Bertie Bot-Score - 0 out of 5, I'm not eating those!


10) Dandelion and Burdock

Last but by no means least, something to wash all that flatulent flumpy fare down with sir? But of course! And what better drink than Dandelion and Burdock which has the added bonus of working at both ends. Colossal burps followed by tweet-like trumps from this dark, delicious and gassy drink. Cheers!






Pong Rating - 3 out of 5
Deathly Decibels - 10 out of 5 (because both ends go at once!)
Bertie Bot-Score - 4 out of 5

DISCLAIMER!

We at ReadItDaddy take no responsibility for the after effects produced by these foods. We recommend trying them in a well-ventilated room, possibly with pegs (for the nose) to hand, and definitely not to be tried 5 minutes before Daddy's boss is due to arrive to talk about a new contract. 

Happy Trumping!

"Pooh, is that You Bertie?" by David Roberts is available from Little Tiger Press


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